Tag Archive | self-pity

self-pity, and why it has no place in the universe

I’ve had a few people ask me, why the crap-tasticness alluded to in my in last post? Well, it’s really been a series of things but in a vague nutshell, I’ve just been feeling rejected and dejected lately. I’ve failed a few auditions of late that I really really really wanted to nail, and that hurts. The rejections have spun me into a spiral of self-pity wherein I’ve reacquainted with my adolescent self who tends to repeat in her head “I’m just not that girl.”  Over and over again I keep bombarding myself: “I’m not that girl, I”m not that girl.” I’ve been listening on repeat to both “On my Own” from Les Mis and “I’m Not That Girl” from Wicked, punishing myself and making me believe that there’s just something wrong with me.

You know what I mean; that girl. The girl that seems to get everything she wants. The girl that is on the top of everyone’s radar. The girl that everyone loves. The girl that always wins. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been that girl and I guess I can’t help it if I’ve always wondered what it felt like. I’ve always been really good at being that girl’s best friend.

Then I woke up a few days ago and the universe decided it was sick of my griping. Side note: I totally believe in signs. I believe in serendipity. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy, I think that the universe sends us signs and messages all the time that perhaps don’t necessarily mean anything on their own, but are up to US to translate into meaning and inspiration. I really believe that. So, there I am at work, pitying myself, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, I get called in to audition for a major network television show. The timing was impeccable. I was immediately transported to cloud 9. This was exactly what I needed at that moment. Not only did I get the audition, but the role was perfect for me. A quirky, charactery, fun, yet still somehow plain college student, and the role called for a lot of crying. Perfect! It was like the universe was A) reminding me why I moved to Los Angeles, which was not to do theatre and B) reminding me to accept who I am, and what parts I’m good at playing. So what if I’m not the prom queen, the cheerleader, the typical ingenue, that girl. I am damn good at being me. I’m damn good at being a little bit weird, a little bit off-beat, a best friend, a girl on the sidelines who surprises everyone, a deep feeler, a deep thinker. These are my traits. These are who I am. And if I want to succeed as an actor, I need to embrace that, and do it better than anyone else. Eponine is way more interesting than Cosette anyway.

The next day I got a call to tell me that the part I was to audition for on the major network television show had been written out of the script so I didn’t need to come in to audition after all. Disappointed? Of course, but you know what, ultimately I did not care! It wasn’t just the prospect of doing the show that rejuvenated me (though of course that would have been awesome!), it was the little reminder from the universe of where I should focus my energy. For that, I was so grateful. Thank you universe. Thank you awesome casting directors for believing in me at the exact right time I needed someone to believe. How did you know? 

I’m not really sure there is such a thing as That Girl. I don’t think the universe bestows anyone with any special preference over another. I think that all there is, is our responsibility to figure out who we are, and to embrace it with all our might. I think people who possess that can’t help but succeed. Can’t help but become That Girl. 

Since I no longer had an audition, I had a little extra time on my hands and decided to get some froyo. On the way out of the mall, I saw a very special shirt in the window of Foot Locker. I bought it without thinking twice, and wore it last night on a rejuvenating and powerful 3 mile run. If this wasn’t a sign from the universe, I don’t know what is:

indiana jones to the rescue

After a crap-tastic day which finished off a crap-tastic week of what is proving to be a crap-tastic month in a crap-tastic year, I had two options in front of me to deal with my misery this evening. Go home and drink, or go home and run. As much as that warm, luscious glass of red wine just beckoned my name, I dug deep and decided to make what I believed was the wiser decision.

I ran.

Like the wind. 

It felt good. I ran 3.3 miles in 33 minutes. I haven’t managed to run a 10 minute mile outside in a long time. I’ve consistently been doing it at the gym but it’s easier to keep an aggressive pace on a treadmill. Apparently all I need is some bad news and self pity to get my feet moving faster.

Now there’s always the risk that those endorphins will wear right off and I’ll just lapse back into my misery. Better not take any chances. Wine and Indiana Jones. Coming right up. No way the blues can get a hold of me now. Mmm, vino. At least I ran first, right?

"throw me the rope." "you throw me the idol."